Your mama’s data’s so big…

Steven VanRoekel opened his keynote address at the National Institute of Standards and Technology’s cloud and big data conference Tuesday morning with a setup but no punchline.

The federal Chief Information Officer asked his staff for an opening joke as they were driving to the event, but “your mama’s data’s so big” was as far as the team got, he said.

With closing data centers, transitioning to the cloud, ramping up shared services and making APIs the default in government, VanRoekel’s team has a lot on its plate. So, I think I can help out with this one.

Your mama’s data’s so big…her morning cereal’s filled with whole grains and Hadoop clusters

Your mama’s data’s so big…her house isn’t just messy, it’s unstructured.

Your mama’s data’s so big…instead of a poodle she has a petabyte.

Okay…I’m clearly running out.

VanRoekel got the idea for the last minute joke request during his time at Microsoft working as Bill Gates’ assistant, he said. Just seconds before Gates was scheduled to go on stage for the Windows 2000 launch -- as Patrick Stewart, TV’s Captain Jean Luc Piccard, was introducing him in fact -- the Microsoft founder asked VanRoekel for an opening joke. The CIO didn’t say what he came up with.

VanRoekel’s preoccupation with ‘90s catchphrases is nothing new by the way. He announced he’d stay on for President Obama’s second term by quoting M.C. Hammer.

Have your own punchlines? Share them in the comments.